Learning to Hope Again

Boy, that title sounds like this is going to be a really deep post...I guess I'll leave that up to you to decide.

Have you ever become disillusioned with something?

Church is one thing a lot of people become disillusioned over -- in that they find out that the church (or church people) has flaws and is a lot more human (good or bad) than they realized. So, the let their disappointment and disillusionment keep them from the level of commitment to the kingdom (by way of their local church) than they had previously had.

I've been there, believe me. Years ago, working for a national ministry, I'd gotten to the point that anytime I walked through the doors I was at "work" -- whether it was during the work week or not. It's pretty disconcerting to think you're going to a worship service only to get called out and "asked" to work on the teleprompter, or make calls for an airtime contract, or get your boss's coffee. We let that keep us from church for a while ("Why go? I won't be able to get anything out of the service anyway - I'll just wind up working. At least I can watch at home and not be bothered..."). And while we did visit a few other area churches, none seemed right for us. So, yes...we've been there.

But there's been something else major that I allowed myself to become disillusioned by.

To be disillusioned means to experience "disappointment resulting from the discovery that something is not as good as one believed it to be".

Here's what I've battled disillusionment with: Myself Being Healthy.

Annnnnndddd, right there, half of the readers have tuned out. LOL

But that's what I've dealt with. I'm hitting forty in a few short days...and nearly my entire life, I've dealt with my weight issues. I can remember as early as 8 years old feeling self-conscious about my weight. I did try a diet or two in high school, but kind of half-heartedly. And, as with most adult women, I'd give anything to be THAT size again!

Into adulthood, I tried soooooo many diets. Atkins, Weight Watchers, the cabbage soup diet, calorie counting, Metabolic Research Solutions (VERY expensive!) to name a few. And with them all, I'd last a while, then "fall off the wagon", and give up. Gain the weight back (with excess) and try again in a few months.

For YEARS, I've ridden that cycle. Each time, growing more and more disillusioned.

Not with health or (most) diets, though...

With myself. I was disillusioning myself.

Girl, believe me when I say I have reached rock bottom. Honestly I kinda feel like I've reached it a couple of times, clawed my way to higher ground and then somehow found rock bottom again.

I got to the point that I didn't think I had it in me to have the discipline to become healthy. I didn't think that any diet or nutrition plan or positive peer support could "save" me at that point.

But I HATE that I've at my heaviest weight. I HATE that I hate pictures of me. I HATE that I've battled this for so long.

But mostly, I HATE that I feel less qualified to be where God's called me to be because of my weight.

I'm not promising you that I'm going to do things perfectly, and that my diet will be strictly on such-and-such plan, or that I'll exercise 6 days a week & be careful to take a day of rest.

But I'm promising myself that today, I'll try to do better than yesterday ... or last month, at least!

And today, I'm going to allow myself to hope again. Because all those years of the making the same mistakes over and over again can make you feel pretty dang hopeless. Amiright?

I ran across a quote the other day (thanks to one of my best friend's posts) that said "You will never always be motivated. You have to learn to be disciplined."

I feel like I am a relatively disciplined person - except where it comes to my health and wellness. So, for accountability's sake, I've decided to put my plan down on paper (or computer screen) and share with you.

1. Move more. - Yep. I can be pretty sedentary. So I'm going to actually pay attention to those little notifications my Fitbit gives me letting me know how many more steps per hour I need to take. (Don't act like I'm the only one that ignores those little notifications!)

2. Eat less carbs. I'd like to say I'm going keto, but at this point, I've been doing pretty good Monday through Friday, then on the weekends, having more carbs, so I'm not sure what you'll call that. But I've learned that the best (read: successful for long term weight loss) diet plans focus on less bad carbs, low-to-moderate "good" carbs, moderate protein and little-to-no "bad" fats. Ultimately, to lose weight, you do need to eat less than you burn, but what you eat matters too. So I'm trying to be as wise as possible about it - and give myself a little leeway on the weekends when our time can sometimes not be our own.

3. Get back up. If I fall (and I will), I've got to "be disciplined" (see above quote) to get back up. My motivations will lie to me. I've just got to do it.

4. Learn to hope again. It's ok to get my hopes up about being able to walk without pain, or not being the fat friend anymore. It's also ok to dream a little. As long as I'm realistic (see #3), I'm going to keep hoping!

Have you found that you needed to give yourself permission to hope again with some area of your life? Share with me!